I always used to think that I wasn't superficial at all; that I always cared about what was skin deep. And it seems that as I grow more confident about my ability to attract someone with something OTHER than my brain, I become more concerned about how someone looks. Sometimes I think that I'm just getting closer to a "perfect balance" and sometimes I think that I'm just becoming a fuck who only cares about how hot someone is.

For example, you know those questions that always get asked in a pack of males?

Create the environment and it happens, when you put a group of guys together in a room something happens with the testosterone in the air, I don't know what exactly, I can't explain it and I can't condone it, heck I can't even understand it. All I know is NO MATTER WHAT, one of two questions will eventually be asked:

The first and most common is "would you suck another mans dick for a million dollars?"

To which every jock and homophobe on earth would immediately say "HELL NO I AIN'T NO FAGGIT!" and to which every self righteous pompous fuck face would say "you cannot buy me" or whatever.

Bullshit, morons the both of them, a million dollars? Christ, line them UP and I will blow like a trained seal.

For a million dollars I'd do it on public television in the most degrading fashion imaginable, tie me up and smack me, I'll swallow messily. Do you have ANY idea what you can do with a million dollars? I'd never work a day in my life again.

Heck, in the privacy of my own home? Haggle with me baby! I'd probably do it for 10k.

4 minutes work == down payment on new Audi A4.

Sounds like good math to me!

Christ I'm rambling... I'm supposed to be talking about being superficial; I'm supposed to be talking about the OTHER question that invariably gets asked:

"Brains or body?"

You know it happens, a pack of guys are talking about girls, or the lack thereof, whichever.

"Whatever happened to (suchandsuch)? man that girl was so gorgeous"

"Man, remember (whatshername)? That girl was so much fucking fun"

"Dude, (whazzaface) had the best body ever, I hate you"

"Christ that (thatgirl) was sharp as a whip!"

"No one on EARTH fucks like (insertname)"

When the outstanding features of former partners come up and a bunch of males are discussing how everyone made them feel, you'll find the same type of circle and comparisons, rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, paper beats rock.

Girls do the same thing, only on top of best body, best fuck, best face, best cock, best conversation they might append best dresser, best cuddle... or other things that I can't comprehend... like which guy would be best to introduce to your folks, or which one is most "stable"... whatever.

Anyway, rambling, the question is asked: Given the choice, which would you choose?

"Brains or body?"

As you go around the circle, the guys stake their opinions on a side of the fence.

Only the most dim witted of the jocks and ginos will say that they just care the body and face, something they can be proud to stand next to, something that stops traffic, something that always gets them hard, as frightening as this is folks, this mentality exists in all men. Sometimes it is very faint, most of the time it's just hidden. Men are bombarded with images of perfectly shaped women 24 hours a day, is it any wonder the shallow empty-headed ones can't seem to care about something that doesn't measure up?

The quiet mousy guys with no confidence say they only care about brains and that they aren't superficial, all too often they say this because they don't think are capable of actually attracting anyone attractive. All too often these guys would blow a relationship with someone who loved them for one night with someone who was more attractive. All too often they do.

The guys who are "shark" smart AND good looking are dangerous, you know the type... sales guys, they know their balance of yin and yang, they're comfortable with a bit of superficiality, they'll say "you can make a girl smarter, but you can't make her hotter". Sometimes, sometimes you almost believe them.

Even if the list of choices is longer than just the two, add "funny", add "amazing in bed", everyone stakes their opinion.

Until it comes to me

I used to be a mousy quiet guy, and I always used to say that only what was inside mattered, but I've changed.

"None" I say

"What?" they ask, "you can't do that"

Watch me

I don't want a chick that is smart but not pretty, I don't want one who is funny but horrible in bed.

You can't weigh one over the other, I want the whole package and I'd rather have nothing then settle for less.

Normally a guy like me would be first in line to say that they only care about brains. After all I can only attract the girls who choose brains over body (no girl ever says they WANT a lanky, hairy guy). But I don't, I don't because I'm arrogant and I'm stupid and I think that just because I'm attractive enough to attract someone, that means I'm attractive enough to attract someone who is everything that I want.

I know that in my past there have been girls who were physically attracted to me, and there have been girls who were mentally attracted to me, there have been a few girls who were attracted to both, and there have even been a couple girls who were attracted to both and whom I found attractive in both ways in return, girls that were basically everything I ever wanted. I can, and god willing I eventually will, meet more.

I think that I've been the "total package" to a person or two out there, lord knows not everyone, but a few, eventually I'll find another who is my total package in return. And we'll have crazy monkey sex and conversations till the sun comes up.

Right?

But after a few years of waiting, you start to lose confidence, I'm not always so determined, so strong... I have moral lapses.

I remember once talking with my one friend who went all uber Christian on me, and we were talking about his belief in the "one partner for life" theory, and my "HELL NO NOT IN A MILLION YEARS" theory. I've always felt that it would be sheer stupidity to try to only sleep with one person, I believed in life long commitment, but not with the first person you were with, after all, if you've only slept with one person, how do you know if it's any good? No field of comparison I said. His point was that if you lived like that, when you get into bed with a woman you're getting into bed with her AND the memories of all the others.

It got me to thinking; maybe god-boy actually had a point.

Call it another moral lapse, but I started thinking: how am I supposed to be happy with someone, when I've had so amazing people in my past? How can someone compare to the memory of the best parts of 5 others?

Maybe this total package doesn't exist?

Maybe I'll never find someone who is as funny as partner a, as sexy as partner c, and as intelligent as partner f?

Maybe I should "settle"

It was during one of these moral lapses that I decided to try just casual dating. Going out with someone I didn't know just to see if they could be... "Enough".

Once again I was conversing with a group of friends and they were talking about how now that they had jobs they were having a real problem with "gold diggers". Girls that showed interest in them and made it seem as if something "real" was starting... when they were only after money. Now, I'd never experienced this. In fact, at the time, I was actually offended that I hadn't.

"What the fuck!" I said, "you punks are only just starting to earn money, my ass has been working for 6 years! I'm 24 and I own a house! Where the fuck are MY gold diggers?? Is there some sort of FORM I have to fill out?? Where do I sign up for this shit, where's the application? Sign me up for three a week, Tuesdays Thursdays and Sundays!"

I also said "cash money ice ice bling bling" and a few other things, but I'm rambling.

You see, because of this rant, my friends felt the need to hook me up with a real life gold digger.

My bad. What a fool I was, now that I've tried my hand at this casual dating thing I've had a few experiences that have taught me the errors of my ways, how blessed I was back in my gold digger-less ignorant bliss.

My friend calls me and says that he's knows this girl I should meet, he mentioned me in passing to her and his description of me piqued her interest, he exchanged pictures and then ICQ numbers between the two of us. We agreed to meet for lunch at my favorite Italian place. I should have asked what his description of me entailed, as in retrospect it had only been about the fact that I had a job and a place to stay.

We spoke on ICQ for a while, I learned that she was from Ottawa but couldn't get a job there, so she moved here to try. She was really into motorbikes.... which is a sign of questionable sanity right there... but not enough that I wouldn't want to meet for lunch.

As soon as we meet I know it's not going to work, she's wearing lots of make up and is dressed too nicely. It's sad that if someone is WAY over dressed I assume they're a superficial fashionista, and if someone is WAY underdressed I assume they have no self esteem, but I think it's safe to say I'd much rather someone be underdressed than overdressed, as long as they were capable of both.

At any rate, I know it's not right so I don't even bother doing the mental checklist of requirements.

Oh don't look at me like that; you've got one too. When you meet a potential mate there's a list of things you need to know. Everyone's is different, but everyone has one.

Dogs not Cats? Check

Radiohead not Creed? Check

Someone's list can contain anything from hair colour to sexual position preference; it's entirely up to the person involved. Anyway, I'm rambling, the point is I didn't even bother to bring mine out. Instead I just let her drone on about herself, quietly judging her by what she said.

Apparently the job hunt is going poorly and that she's been looking for about 5 months. To keep her going I ask where she's applied, she tells me that she's just left her resume with HR placement agencies and has been waiting.

Which is odd, for someone who's been "looking" for a job for 5 months to have actually spent NO time actually... LOOKING.. But I shrug it off, and I keep listening.

Apparently she's an inspiration to all her friends because she's so well traveled, she's been around the world 4 times, don't you know, and all her friends just want to travel and see the things she's seen. "4 times?" I ask, "How could you afford that?" Well it seems Mom and Dad were happy to fund the first three, and she'd made so many friends her first trifecta she managed to just hop from friends house to a friends house for the forth.

Which is odd, that someone can manage to be an inspiration for traveling the world on someone else's paycheck... but I shrug it off, and I keep listening.

Apparently that's how she's staying in Toronto now, she's been staying at a friends place, he's 38 and is out of town for a few months so she's staying there until he comes back. She has friends in so many cities that she does this so she can go where she likes.

Which is odd, cause that sounds like the lifestyle of a bum. But I shrug it off, and I keep listening.

I try to avoid wondering why all these guys are letting her stay with her rent-free in all these different cities.

And, because she's so worldly and has seen so much of the world, she asks me:

"Would you ever live anywhere other than Toronto?"

"You know, normally..." I reply "I always used to say no, that Toronto was my home and it's where I love, and that no matter where else I go, I might enjoy myself, but I still miss the HOME feeling I get with Toronto. However..." I continued, "As Canada becomes more and more right wing I strongly feel that I'll end up somewhere in Scandinavia. Maybe Denmark or Norway is where I belong now."

This confused her "what do you mean Canada is getting more right wing?" she asked.

...

Now, whether you're left or right you HAVE to be aware that Canada is rapidly moving to the far right. Our Left wing party is all but dead, there are literally a half dozen right wing parties bickering for control and our supposed middle of the road party, which IS in power, is more right wing than our most conservative government ever was.

I explain this and she says:

"Oh... well I don't really care about that stuff, most days I don't know if I'm left wing or red wing or what"

...

...

...

Hold up, if you're a right wing heartless conservative bastard, THAT'S FINE, TO EACH HIS OWN. But don't be so fucking ignorant that you don't even know what you ARE, or MORE to the point don't be so fucking ignorant that you don't know the opposite of "right wing" ISN'T a hockey team from fucking Detroit.

I mean we're talking about POLAR issues here; you're ONE or the OTHER.

"Tax And Spend" or "Trickle Down"

"Equal Opportunity" or "Dog Eat Dog"

Ok, so she's not POLITICAL, there's worse fates right? I could be having lunch with an NSYNC fan or something. So to pass the time before the bill arrives I figure I'll do a little investigative journalism and discover if she's left or right, because it's important for me to know, and I figure at least this way she'll know for the next time she has lunch with someone with a social conscious.

I decide that I'll ask her where she stands on the BIG issues.

"Well, I can help you figure out if you're left or right, it's simple, how do you feel about welfare?"

"Oh I would NEVER go on welfare" (Which... is odd for someone who's basically a leech already... but anyway)

"That's not what I'm asking... do you BELIEVE in it, as a concept, in the redistribution of wealth? Equal Opportunity incentives, social programs, that sort of thing."

"I don't know, I never think about that kind of stuff."

...

Ok, dead-end... no opinion, no thoughts... but hey, I'm not licked yet.

She's a female, she has ovaries and a womb, she HAS to have an opinion on abortion... right?

"...Ok then, how do you feel about abortion rights?" (Whether or not this is appropriate first date material is moot, I REALLY didn't care anymore)

"Oh my god, I'd never have one!"

"... Once again, that's not what I'm asking you. Do you feel people have the RIGHT to have them if they want?"

"I don't know... I've never thought about that stuff"

"OK, DO ME A FAVOUR... right now, take three seconds, and think about "that stuff"... Mull it over in your head, and let me know what you think."

"Well ok, I'd have to say no, I think they shouldn't be allowed to have them because then kids wouldn't be so careless and just have sex for no reason"

Eureka... Sort of.... It's the WRONG opinion... but at least it's an opinion... Right?

At this point I've managed to drain as much stimulation from the conversation as possible and I'm counting the seconds until I'm back at my office working.

I'm not entirely sure why, maybe she had no where to go after her friend came back and she needed to make friends with someone who had a house, but she keeps talking at me and I think she's trying to make it work.

She tells me how she's got this dear friend whom I remind her a lot of, they've been friends FOREVER and they get along great, he's about my age, he's done very well for himself, he's amazing with computers, into really "WEIRD" music... and he's... you know... not very social... not very good with... the ladies... not very ... good looking.

...

She tells me that she gave her friend, the unattractive geek, a makeover. And how once she changed his LOOK he was beating women off with a stick.

She tells me that she could do the same thing for ME if I wanted.

"... I'm sorry," I say, a little taken back "what did you just say"

"I could seriously give you a makeover, honestly, think about it, you could be sexy"

"I... COULD... be sexy?"

"Seriously! I could make you attractive, promise! I'd trim your beard into a goatee, put a little gel in your hair and make it all funky, you could be seriously sexy if you worked at it hard enough, you've got a lot of potential."

"Uh... let me guess, my clothes need a little replacing too?" I ask

"Well, its not so bad, maybe just a new pair of shoes and a more expensive brand of pants, But I'd say your clothes aren't the biggest problem."

There comes a point in conversation where you realize you don't actually care if you ever talk to someone again.

I hit that point.

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Well so you could attract all the girls you wanted?"

"Really? All the empty headed vacuous bimbos I want?"

"Vacuum-what?"

"No offence, but I think I'll pass."

"But I really think you'd be hot"

"Well I don't really give a rat fuck what you think"

"... Well... ok. Pardon?"

"I SAID I do not give A RAT FUCK what you THINK"

"...Heh... heheh ...ha?"

At which point I left, she said something to the extent of "I'll call you, we'll hang out."

"sure" I say, "whatever"

When I got back to my office there was a message waiting on ICQ from her

"Look" she says, "I didn't mean to offend you or whatever, I just thought you'd look better with a goatee, that's ALL"

To which I replied simply:

"Go to hell"

In the analysis I look to be pretty superficial, I agreed to meet her because her picture was cute, not because she happened to impress me with her views on the WTC attacks. And yet when we meet I once again judge her based on how she looks, but it's because she's TOO gussied up it's because... get this... I THINK she LOOKS like a superficial person. Just because I happened to be correct doesn't make it the RIGHT thing to do. So when confronted with someone MORE superficial than me I can stand proud about how deep I am, yet when confronted with someone LESS superficial than me, I'm the prick who only cares about looks. Most times I'd say that physical appearances are pretty important, but suddenly when someone makes it out to be more important than I'd like... I'm offended and pissed off.

ALL of us, no matter how confident, self-deprecating, good looking or hideous we might be, have certain physical demands or expectations. We have a benchmark for ALL aspects of what we want in a partner.

I've always thought I was not a superficial person, at all, and when confronted with such BLATANT shallowness I feel that I can claim that occasionally. I wish that I could always claim that.

But I can't.

As my ultra brilliant friend Bronwyn once put it: "Everyone has physical requirements, what actually varies from person to person is the number, level and nature of them"

No one wants to be seen in public with someone that everyone feels isn't good enough for them, everyone wants the opposite. To be with someone too good for them. Not to settle, but to be settled FOR. Relationships only work when BOTH people feel they're lucky to be with the person they're with.

In the end I'm no better than the "red winger", and she's no better than me.

We're all in the same book, it's just a matter of finding someone on the same page.

And, if you're like me, and you can't find anyone on the same page, take solace in the fact that we're probably the only ones with pages worth reading.